Dear Kate...

Love, 

Me

Long time no post.

Kate and I have three projects in the works, one possibility and I think two we've put on the back burner. How is it that an idea can start off great, but then just fizzle? We're stuck on two books, started talks on one that I'm not exactly in love with, but our brain storming tonight kind of got me perked up for it. 

I just want to get one book finished, find an agent and get it out there. I have faith, I have optimism, I just think that we're a little afraid of the what if's. What if we write something great? What if we succeed? What if we were able to sell a manuscript for some real money? Honestly? I think the positive what if's are scaring us into a sort of writers hibernation. I know we got the goods, and we can deliver, we're not afraid to fail.

Why the hell are we so afraid to succeed? 

On another note, two weeks on weight watchers and I'm down 7 pounds. Thank you, God.

Begone Discouragement!

We can do this, we can do this, we can do this, this is not a waste of our time, we can do this.

I need to start chanting this. Kate and I got about 1,000 words written tonight before I crapped out with overwhelmed feelings of lost hope. I can't help but to feel the size of a pinhead when I see the work of other budding authors. I read their work and wonder "Why in the world aren't they published yet? They're amazing!" They have professional voices, they've been to college, got a degree in English and everything else they reached out for.

I wasn't able to get that. I can't speak for Kate, but what I write comes from the seat of my pants. I look up to these people, and I still can't get over the fact that they're waiting to be published. If they aren't, then it makes me feel as if I have no chance at all.

I don't want to give up, but am I good enough?

Billy Holmes

This is one of the main characters in Midnight. His name is Billy (Wilem) Holmes and he's a grouchy, sometimes irate sumbitch. But, he has his good points too. He has such a hard time trying to be nice, but once you reach through those walls he has built up, he begrudgingly accepts you into his fold. 

He's incredibly tall, standing at six foot seven inches, he's never had a haircut and he is fiercely protective of his home and those who he allows to be close to him.

Irons in the fire.

I've got so many projects in the fire, it's ridiculous. I guess it's a good thing that Kate and I are working, but it would be nice to have one or two manuscripts finished and polished. I know she's just as eager as I am to start that agent hunt. I think one of our biggest worries is that big "What now?" that comes when we are finished. We know how to write, we know how to edit, she knows how to pick scabs, so I think we've just got to get out of our comfort zone and plunge ahead.

Besides, this isn't brain surgery, though it sure does feel like it. 

To get done list as of now:

Your side of Midnight: Rogue's curse. Our first finished book until we seriously overshot the word count. We're trimming it up and have enough to make two books out of. I'm starting to think that that's a bad idea, if we dedicate ourselves to that course, it could hurt the story. 

Sacha, our delightful illustrator, is getting art ready for the books as well. She's working on character sheets when she has the time and giving me back some very good things. I'm lucky to have found her, the woman is self taught and is just amazing. Her lines are uniquely hers and I really want to see her shine.

This is Nicolas Desmardais, or Nix as he's commonly known.

I'm excited to see what else she has in store for us, and when she digs out another main character or two for Midnight, I'll pop them up here too.

Sad Birthday was Sad.

I tried so hard not to hurt my mom's feelings, but all I could do was just lay in bed and cry for most of the day. I was so overwhelmed with hurt. I guess part of it was, this is one day where Momma makes me feel special, but I couldn't bare the thought of being nothing for another 364 days, so I couldn't allow it today.

My cousin couldn't even be arsed to wish me a happy birthday, but then again, I don't matter to her unless she feels guilty or needs something. Harsh, true, but it's the truth. I closed the doors on her today, I'm tired of her hurting me. I don't need that in my life. I don't need her excuses, they're nothing but her lazy way of telling me she doesn't like me. She doesn't seem to make the same excuses to her friends. Well, at least the ones she likes. I'm never letting her back in. In fact, I'm getting rid of a lot of people who do nothing but use me for what they can get out of me. The last person I slammed the door on isn't even worth mentioning, I just hope the next person they get a hold of, they appreciate, rather than have their arm stuck out and their fingers opening and closing in a silent demand of "More. Give me more."

I didn't get any work done. Kate's net was busy masturbating itself into a coma or something. *Sighs*

I hate depression.

It's my Birthday.

And I can cry if I want to.